Vuosisadan kihlajaiset!!

Rourken blogi paljasti jo viime viikolla sen että Johanna "Tuksu" Tukiainen on aikeissa mennä kihloihin. Kyseessä ei todellakaan ollut mikään uutisankka, vaan Tuksu ihan oikeasti meni kuin menikin oikeasti kihloihin, siis oikeasti! Että siitäs sait, Arto! 

Sitkeistä huhuista huolimatta Tuksu ei kuitenkaan mennyt kihloihin Joonas Tukiaisen ja Gucci Manen kanssa vaan neidon rakkauden objektiksi päätyi viime kädessä hänen hovikampaajansa Juha "Toy Boy" Immonen. Joonas ja Gucci toimittivat hovineitojen virkaa samalla kun Juha porukan alfauroksena rengasti Tuksun ja mitä ilmeisemmin ratkaisi paljonpuhutun munanpuute-probleeman yhdellä täsmäiskulla. Harhaanjohtaja Joni Virtanen oli sullottu jääkaappiin koko toimituksen ajaksi, ja Kooma-Julia nukahti ennen aikojaan. 

Lauantaina onnensa kukkuloilla koikkelehtiva Tuksu teki seuraavanlaisen paljastuksen Facebook-sivullaan:

Mikäs siinä? Ei paskaakaan, hieno juttu, Tuksu! Ja tärkeintä on se, että toisin kuin Arto, Tuksu ei todellakaan ole sekaantunut mihinkään alaikäisiin. Toy Boylla on tarpeeksi ikää asioida Alkossa aina kun Tuksun pullot tyhjenevät. 

Seuraavana aamuna Tuksu vielä täsmensi asian laitoja melkein bloginpituisella Facebook-päivityksellä:

Siis näkeehän sen nyt kuka vaan että Immonen on tosi SEKSIKÄS kundi jolla on ihanat paksut huulet!! Vähempienkin ansioiden varaan on rakennettu kestäviä avioliittoja, joten nyt voi sanoa että Tuksu on todellakin iskenyt rakkauden kultasuoneen. Juhan rinta on suuri ja voimakas, että sori vaan Arto... 

Hääsuunnittelu on mitä ilmeisimmin jo hyvällä alulla, ja Julia-sisko on luvannut maalata hääparille upean potretin josta ei tule glitteriä ja raamatunlauseita puuttumaan! Artoa ei tietenkään kutsuta paikalle, koska tämä meni kiusallaan kihlaamaan jonkun alaikäisen vaikka hemaiseva 34-vuotias Tuksukin olisi ollut tarjolla! 

Rourken Fuengirolan kirjeenvaihtajan mukaan Pappamuratti on onnesta soikeana, ja aivan syystä: vihdoin löytyi joku joka on mitä ilmeisimmin valmis ottamaan Tuksun taloudellisesti harteilleen. Ja Juhalla riittää harteita niinkuin Pohjanmaalla riittää lääniä. Pappamuratti on myös innoissaan siitä että hänen tuleva vävypoikansa, toisin kuin Arto, on mitä ilmeisimmin täysi hetero ja sodomiittejä joka solullaan vihaava tosi-MIES joka vetää jumalanpilkkaajia lättyyn harva se päivä. 

Koska saamme jälleen lukea Tuksun olevan siunatussa tilassa? Siis oikeasti? Ja mahtaakohan Arto koskaan selvitä Tuksun kihlauutisten aiheuttamista traumoista? Kumpi saa enemmän munaa, vaimo vai aviomies? Mitä jos Juha taas katoaa Kanarialla homobaariin ilman vaimoaan? Kuka nauraa demonisesti?

Huominen on aina tulevaisuutta.

Immonen on tekijämies myös keittiössä. Taustalla hotellihuoneen raiskannut Prinsessa.
(Huom. kuvaa EI ole käsitelty millään tavalla)

Tuksun kosto on karmea!!

Neuvosto-Suomen Lapista kantautuu aivan käsittämättömiä uutisia!! Johanna "Tuksu" Tukiaisen ainoa oikea ex-mies Arto Länsman on mennyt kihloihin parikymppisen naisen kanssa. Arto suunnittelee jo muuttoa naisen kotiseudulle ja ainakin lähitulevaisuus näyttää hyvältä.

Miten se on edes mahdollista että hampaaton Lapin kuristajaruutana Arto pääsee kihloihin puolta nuoremman naikkosen kanssa vaikka hemaiseva Johanna Tukiainen kärvistelee edelleen sinkkuna ja valittaa Facebookissa munanpuutetta?! Hemaiseva Johannahan on käynyt 78 eri maassakin, että rahkeitahan Johannalla riittäisi vaikka minkälaisiin kihlajaisiin, mutta silti kolmen maan kävijä Arto ehätti edelle ja ihan maaliin asti! 

Epävirallisten kuulohavaintojen mukaan Takilatie kasissa kihistään tällä hetkellä niin kovaa kiukusta että sen voi kuulla Hertsikan Helmen pihalle asti, mutta moiset ilkeät huhut ovat ihan varmasti silkkaa panettelua. Tuksu ei ikinä ole yhtään katkera; pois se Pyhästä Tuksusta joka on mm. Amnesty Internationalin jäsen Facebookissa. Tuksu tietää oman arvonsa, ja sen että Miamissa rikkaat sedät muistelevat vieläkin Tuksun pantavaa lätinäpeppua vesi kielellä ja miekka tanassa.

Iltahuora-portaalin luottosopuli Kupsu soitti tietysti heti asian tiimoilta Jollashoviin ja Tuksu avuliaasti valotti Arton kihlojen taustaa:

"Tämä (kihlaus) on varmasti kiusantekoa minua kohtaan."

Nonni, nyt kaikki palaset loksahtivat paikoilleen ja homma on pihvi. Koko kihlasirkus on tietysti massiivinen kiusausoperaatio jolla Arto yrittää vielä kerran päästä ex-vaimonsa palavan rakkauden kohteeksi. Tarkoitus on tietysti saattaa Tuksu ensin mustasukkaiseksi ja sitten paljastaa koko homman olevan vain näytelmää jotta Tuksu huomaisi että kyllä Arto kelpaisi muillekin mutta rakastaa kuitenkin vain ja ainoastaan ihanaa Johannaa. 

Hah, kuinka tyhmä Arto luulee Tuksun olevan? Kaikkihan tietävät että Tuksu kirjoitti neljä laudaturia (eikä yhtään vähempää) ja kouluttautui yö-meikkaajaksi kuuluisan Chuck Norriksen meikkikoulussa huippuarvosanoin! Kaiken sen lisäksi Tuksu osoitti suunnatonta älykkyyttä ottaessaan eron miehestä joka löi itseään viinipullolla päähän ja nauroi demonisesti! Tuksu on nuori, kaunis ja älykäs, eikö se nyt jo mene jakeluun!?

Arto ketkutteli viekkaasti tiensä ilmaiseksi naimisiin Tuksun kanssa ja joi monta ilmaista viinaa Tuksun julkisuuden piikkiin. Moisten hirmutekojen jälkeen säällisempi mies menisi loppuelämäkseen luostariin mietiskelemään Tuomas Akvinolaisen teologiaa, mutta Arto Länsman ei ole yhtään vähempää kuin piru itse! Kiusallaan menee kihloihin jonkun hupakon kanssa, siis mikä on ongelmasi, Arto Länsman? 

Tuksu on tottakai täysin selvillä Arton aikeista, ja Jollashovin kellarin komentoyksikössä onkin jo kehitelty perusteellinen vastahyökkäysoperaatio. Tämä on tietysti ns. "highly classified information," niinkuin Julia sanoisi sujuvalla Amerikan englannillaan, mutta Rourken blogi on saanut selville tiettyjä yksityiskohtia tulevasta. 

Suunnitelma on seuraavanlainen: Tuksu on aikeissa mennä kihloihin Joonas Tukiaisen ja Gucci Manen kanssa yhtäaikaa Las Vegasissa. Iltahuoran Kupsu tulee olemaan paikalla, niinkuin tulevat olemaan myös vaarallisen kaunis sisko Julia "Coma" Tukiainen sekä Tampereen katastrofiviikonlopun selvittelyn jälkeen rehabilitoitu Olkalaukku-Immonen. Hitaasta sytytyksestä tunnettu Johtaja Joni Virtanen tulee edustamaan Salon seudun Dolls-yksikön johtoporrasta. Joonas ja Gucci sujauttavat sormukset Tuksun paksuihin nimettömiin kellon lyödessä kaksitoista ja Vegasin taivaalle ammutaan neljä tuhatta pinkkiä ilotulitetta samalla kun koko kylä riemuitsee ihan kakspilkkukakkosissa. (2.2) 

Ja Arto kärsiä kärvistelee feikkimorsiamensa kanssa jossain Nokialla. Siis Nokialla, tajuuttekste?

Nerokkaampaa kostoa ei olisi voinut keksiä kukaan muu kuin kaunis Johanna Tukiainen! Tuksu itseasiassa upottaa kaksi laivaa yhdellä hedelmäveitsellä, sillä Lappeenrannan suohirviö PeePeetä ei ole kutsuttu mukaan bileisiin, ihan tarkoituksella. Helsinki CSIn pullonpyöritystutkimuksissa kävi ilmi että Tampereen hotellihuoneenraiskauksen takana olikin katala gangsteri Prinsessa PeePee. Tuksun passia ei uiteta vessanpöntössä ilman raskaita seuraamuksia!!

Arto on ihan täysi näätä, mutta Johanna Tukiainen jos kuka tietää että miten näätien kanssa toimitaan. Ei armoa vaan tiukkaa tykitystä Facebookissa ja täyttä segghsiä keikkalavoilla kautta Suomen! 

Tuksu on taas valmis kyykyttämään Artoa.

Munaa Tuksulle ja heti!!!

On jokseenkin rikollista että Hugh Herner ei ole kutsunut Johanna ja Julia Tukiaista asustelemaan kanssaan Los Angelin kuuluisaan Playmansioniin, tai ehkä onkin kutsunut mutta posti ei ole tullut perille, tai jos on tullut niin Immonen tai Arto on varmaan sabotoinut koko homman! Oli miten oli, joku kuitenkin on möhlännyt ja pahasti, sillä kaikki tietävät että Tukiaisen siskokset kuuluvat jenkkiläistyylisen klamourin ytimeen ja sen kirkkainpaan keskiöön. 

Jaa ette usko vai?

No annetaan kuvamateriaalin puhua puolestaan:

Pornosisarukset vuosimallia 2013

Ylläoleva kuva on aivan täydellinen todiste Dolls Sistersien jenkkiläisestä sex appealista ja vaikka mistä muusta sellaisesta josta Suomessa ei tajuta yhtään mitään! Kooma-Julialle on juuri laitettu tököttiä alahuuleen, ja Tuksu yrittää panna paremmaksi tökötti + herpes -kombinaation voimin. En tiedä mitä eläintä Tuksu muistuttaa, mutta Tsernobylin metsissä sellaisia elelee. Julia taasen on kuin etelänavalta kameran eteen riuhtaistu juoppo eskimo.

On suoranainen ihme että molemmat naiset (?) ovat edelleen sinkkuja vaikka useat sadat jenkkiläiset ja ruotsalaiset liikemiehet ovat ilmeisesti tunkeneet Tuksun, öh, sähköpostin täyteen treffikutsuja. Kai sieltä hakijoiden joukosta nyt joku uunoeemeli löytyisi joka olisi valmis kustantamaan siskosten satuelämää? Mutta ei näytä löytyvän. Arton vika kun pääsi ilmaiseksi naimisiin. Nyt kaikki muut miehet ovat pelko perseessä sen suhteen että heille kävisi yhtä hullusti. Mikään ei tietenkään ole koskaan Tuksun vika. 

Viime yönä Tuksu oli jälleen elämän perimmäisten kysymysten äärellä:

Missä mättää kun käpymaan miehet eivät millään anna munaa hemaiseville Tukiaisen siskoksille? Pääsiäinenkin tulee kovaa kyytiä, mutta munaa ei vaan irtoa vaikka kuinka Tuksu ja Julia moppaisivat baarien lattioita ja heittäisivät herjaa Facebookissa.

Juuri päättynyt Savon keikkakiertue meni ihan melkein täydellisesti: yhtään ambulanssia ei ilmeisesti tilattu, ja keikat alkoivat keskimäärin vain muutaman tunnin myöhässä. Ei ole vielä tietoa siitä mihin kuntoon Dolls Dancers -tanssiryhmä jätti hotellihuoneen, mutta asiasta liikkuu erinäisiä huhuja internetin kateellisilla keskustelupalstoilla. 

Dolls Dancers -tanssiryhmässä on nyt "CEO," "sale manager," ja "johtaja." Organisaatioon kuuluu siis pelkkiä esimiehiä eikä yhtään työläistä; kaikki pääsevät pullistelemaan, ja vaikka Tuksu viime kädessä kerääkin rahat omiin taskuihinsa niin kukaan ei valita ja koko poppoo saa ryypätä. Jos Antti Kurhisen isosetä Tsaari Nikolai olisi aikoinaan ratkaissut itänaapurin sosiaaliset ongelmat yhtä nerokkaasti kuin Tuksu niin kukaan ei tietäisi Leninistä tänäpäivänä mitään. 

Tuksu-klassikko: Kyllä irtoaa...

Tämä allaoleva dokumentti julkaistiin alunperin joskus vuonna 2010, kenen toimesta, en tiedä. Olen säilyttänyt sitä kovalevyllä nyt muutaman vuoden ja ajattelin että sen voisi lisätä Tuksu-klassikkojen joukkoon, koska on varmasti joitakin näätiä jotka eivät ole kyseistä dokkaria lukeneet. Tosi mystistä ajatustenvaihtoa, kiitos jollekin supernäädälle tästä... :)

Glamourin yliannostus!

Johanna "Tuksu" Tukiaisella oli lauantaina keikka Hollolassa, erään omakotitalon alakertaan perustetussa juottolassa nimeltä Raja-Tupa. Tämä tajunnanräjäyttävä multimediaspektaakkeli sisälsi laulua, tanssia, juontamista ja yleistä röhnöilyä taattuun Tuksu-tyyliin. Hidas sisko Juliakin oli värvätty Ruotsista asti keikalle, koska Tampereen katastrofiviikonloppu oli harventanut Huojuvien Homojen, öh, miesvahvuutta vähän liikaakin...

Keikalta on runsaasti videomateriaalia YouTubessa, mutta ihan takahuoneeseen asti paparazzit eivät kuitenkaan päässeet. Tuksun oma hovikuvaaja otti seuraavanlaisen otoksen illan tähtiesiintyjistä keikan jälkeen:

Kuten yleensä, Tuksu oli jälleen Miamin mitoissa. Tosi seksikästä että Tuksun röllimaha antaa jo hyvän vastuksen silikoniryntäille kamppailussa tanssijan kropan laajimman ympärimitan herruudesta. Mäkkärin autokaistalla on jälleen vietetty tovi jos toinenkin, ja nyt Tuksun onkin hyvä mässäillä kun saa syödä Juliankin edestä... 

Greit lengts -tukkapehko oli myös taas niin sekaisin että ainoastaan Julia oli enemmän sekaisin. On muuten syytä todeta että Tuksun hiusraja pakenee otsalta ja ohimoilta vinhaa vauhtia. Sen siitä saa kun tööttää vetyperoksidia päähän vuosikaudet ja sitten liimailee jotain intialaisia hevosenjouhia, anteeksi siis maailman kallein hiustenpidennys Greit lengts'it, sinne päähän omien hiuskarvojen riesaksi... 

Nuo huulet ovat jotain ihan sanoinkuvaamatonta, mutta yritetään kuitenkin. Tuksu manasi uudessa blogissaan kuinka herpes-virus pääsi yllättämään artistin juuri ennen keikkaa, mutta siitä ei ole tietoa onko sillä kastemadolla joka asuu Tuksun ylähuulen sisällä myös herpes vai kenties pahanlainen ripuli. Jokatapauksessa klassisten herrasmiesten (ja eheytettävissä olevien homopoikien) olisi syytä välttää Tuksun kanssa suutelointia... 

Tuo demoninen katse on täyttä Tuksua. Siis ihan täyttä "vittu mä fileroin sut nyt, ruutana" Tuksua. Sinänsä hienoa että kyseinen katse saatiin tallennettua jotta tulevaisuudessakin ihmiset saavat pelätä pahinta. Onneksi Tuksun silmät eivät ole taaskaan tulehtuneet. Vähemmän psykoottisia katseita jaellaan mm. hullujenhuoneella ja Miamissa. Näyttää myös siltä että Julia on jonkin verran herkistyneessä tilassa kuvan taka-alalla. 

Ihan muuta asiaa, tai ainakin melkein. Rourken toimitus sai haltuunsa puoli-exclusiivisen kuvan suoraan klamourin ytimestä, eli Ruotsin Sollentunasta:

Tuksu poseeraa Playboy-koekuvausten tuomalla ammattitaidolla ilman Greit lengts -hiustenpidennystä amerikanraudan vierellä. Autotalli on niin täynnä romua ja rompetta että virolaisia siivoojia heikottaa. On ihan selvää että tämänkaltainen kuvamateriaali saa suomalaiset tooooooooosi kateellisiksi. Jos en tietäisi että kuvassa on Tuksu niin voisin helposti luulla että kyseessä on joku ylimielinen Östermalmin juppi.

Kaikkien nettitrollien kruunaamaton kuningas Kupsu oli jälleen väsännyt uuden Tukiais-uutisen:

http://iltamakasiini.fi/julia-tukiaisen-karu-arki-piikkeja-diabetekseen/

Tätä karua artikkelia lukiessani en voinut välttyä huomaamasta lausetta jossa Julia läpändeeraa seuraavaa: "Positiivinen asia on se, että olen laihtunut 20 kiloa ja olen vanhoissa Miamin matkojemme mitoissa..." Siis hetkinen? Miamin MATKOJEMME mitoissa?! Tuksu on vuosia yrittänyt uskotella Suomen kansalle asuneensa Miamissa! Eikös se ollutkaan asumista? Ihan tavallisella turistimatkallako siellä oltiinkin klassisia herrasmiehiä viihdyttämässä? Julia taisi nyt lipsauttaa enemmän kuin mitä Tuksu olisi sallinut... 

Mihin ihmeeseen tässä maailmassa voi enää luottaa jos Tuksuunkaan ei voi luottaa?

Tuksun biologiseen kelloon voi kaiketi silti vielä luottaa, ja siihen että uusi maailmojamullistava brändi, "Kalju-Tuksu," lanseerataan viimeistään ensi vuonna, kenties sillä tv-kanavalla jonka superälykäs Pauli Aalto-Setälä on luvannut Tuksulle...

Tuksu-klassikko: Rourke ottaa yhteyttä...

Taikamaken serkku Jenkeistä on kuuluisa nyrkkeilijä ja plastiikkakirurgian vannoutunut harrastaja, Mickey Rourke. Serkku-Rourke tapasi kerran Tuksun sattumalta Miamin yössä ja siitä lähti roihuamaan palava rakkaus jota puitiin sittemmin sähköpostien välityksellä. Tässä koko stoori yksinoikeudella Taikamaken blogissa:


MICKEY: 
Hey Miss Johanna, i think we met in Miami night cpl of years ago... nut sure if u still remember... i'm back in MI... if u wanna see lemme know okay baby... i hope u r doin fine, u the sexy blonde from Sweden, right?
Mick

TUKSU: 
Hi Mickey,
Thanks for your email! :)As Im really well known in my own country and I get a lot of fake emails,I just would like to ask some questions from you to make sure, that'syou....? :)
Do you have any animals, and if so, what kind of animals and how many?Because I remember when I met those cuties in your hotel room on SouthBeach hotel.
If u really r Mickey, yes we met with you couple of years ago in Miami and I think that u r really hot! :)
Let me know something more about yourself, so I can make sure that'sreally u.
With love,
Johanna

MICKEY: 
Hey baby, Ok I feel ya, you know im a dog man, love small dogs like chichuahuas (RIP my buddy Woki!)... right now I got 4 small ones...
We gotta be very hush hush okay baby.. I dont wnat any bad PR for you or me, but I wanna see what I'm missing... I recall u got a hot curvy body............
Secret: I have "relationship" but its a front arranged by my mgmt because of upcoming movie which just wrapped up filming in Indonesia... U know this business is all about image.. .Anyways i'm in need of sexy female company...
If U are in Miami lemme know... I'm still into Mokai scene but prefer partyin in private..... I'll be in town til sunday...
smooches,
M.

TUKSU: 
Hi baby,
Ok it sounds like it's really you! :)I remember that you had two small dogs when we met.I love also small dogs, I have 3 small dogs: 2 yorkshire terriers and chinese palace dog. My sister Julia has one bug, which is just so CUTE!!
So r u staying in Miami until this sunday, or next sunday?I'm currently in Thailand, I've had one month vacation over here after Itook a divorce from one man, we were married for a year, now I'm singleagain. I would love to fly to Miami to meet you, u r one of my favourite actors and just so SEXY!!!
I would need to fly first to Stockholm and from there directly to Miami. I travel a lot, so it wouldn't be a problem, the only thing is that I gettoo much hurry if u stay in Miami only until this sunday. If it's next sunday, it would work ok.
My thai number is: +XX XX XXX XXXX.
I hve also swedish number, which I can send to you later.
Hugs and kisses,
Johanna

MICKEY: 
Hey baby,
I'm leaving Miami this sunday (the 22nd) so lemme know if U are up for fun or not... I thought maybe you were here... Sorry to hit U up on a short notice, but I need to be back in Cali for work next week.
I'm not into games, love, any of that, I just want a good time and if you want a Hermes bag or whatever else money can buy we'll work something out. U know I can get any girl I want, but I want more from U! Keep that pussy hot for me...
Keep it hush hush, baby...
Mickey
Yeah I remember your sister... what, she got a bug? Like an insect? Haha, she's funny.

MICKEY: 
U got an assistant in Thailand? Somebody picked up your # and I didnt understand a word what he was sayin...
M.

TUKSU: 
Hi baby,
No I don't have any assistant in Thailand, but I guess there was something wrong with the line or something. When u call or send a message from mobile phone, so u have to dial first +XX then XX XXX XXXX.
My swedish phonenumber is: +XX XXX XXX XXX.
I would LOVE to meet u again, u really make me hot and just having fun isok for me. I think u r one of the hottest actors in the world.My favourite movie is that erotic movie from the 80's "XXXX XXXXXX" I just love that movie, ofcourse all the other movies r so cool as well! :)
I meant that my sister Julia has a small dog, it's in swedish "mopsi" I thought that it's "pug" in english. Like really cute small dog which reminds of a little pig a little bit :) I lived in Miami for 2 years because I was in a relationship over there with one american guy, I also have lived in California and all around the world.
Please call me or send a text message! :)
Kisses, Johanna

Sillä välin Tuksu kirjoittaa blogin mysteerimiehestä joka on ollut häneen yhteydessä sähköpostin välityksellä. Tuksu kertoi asiasta myös kaikille Facebook-ystävilleen ja muille hörhöille jotka vaan sattuivat kuuloetäisyydelle. Asia alkoi paisua kuin kulahtaneen stripparin keskivartalo...

MICKEY: 
Hey, what the hell is going on? My manager called me and told about some ppl flooding my fansite with msgs about U and some fucking blog U wrote? Is that true? I told you to keep things hush hush... I'm pissed off, serious.

TUKSU:
We met 2008 and it was then on some news paper in Finland, because I'm well known in my own country.But it was just about 2 pages, not in the cover, and 4 years ago.Sometimes they take up some old news about me, specially now when I divorced, but they are more intrested in me and my ex-husband who lives in Lapland, so there is nothing u have to worry about, seriously.
If I promise and make deal with somebody, that everything is private and confidental, then I do it.Like my past relationships (or just having fun with some celebrities),nobody knows about them, as i told u I lived with jewish-american millionaire in Miami for couple of years.
I gave u my both phone numbers, which r working, so u can call me anytimeor send me a message, it would be easier to discuss. It's also better totalk on the phone or send messages, because nobody from Finland can hackerto my phones. But they could hacker to my email. Thre's nothing in the newspapers in Sweden or Finland about the whole thing, trust me!They are talking now about the beauty pageants, and everything else, theyr writing about my trip to Thailand, that's it. I would really love tomeet u again, and I really can promise to u that I keep it totally private, I don't want any media myself at all about my private life and Ihave had enough with them allready. Please give me call or send a text!
Kisses,
Johanna

TUKSU:
Hi baby,
Here is one pic of me eating at Basking and Robins ice-cream today in Bangkok. Did u try to call to me yesterday to my swedish phone? I wasshopping on one street and I didn't hear my phone.
I send u few more new pics of me, I hope u like them, they r quite bigsize, but your assistant can make them smaller. I guess u r allready onyour way to California, I'm sorry, I got your message on so short notice,that it would have been impossible to fly from Bangkok to Miami this fast.
But I would love to meet u to California, I promise 100% sure totally private, whenever u would like to meet me, I work in showbusiness and I can take of from work whenever I want. I have a manager, but I can always tell her that I don't want to make some shows and that's it.I would really LOVE to meet u again, totally private, just for fun as usaid, and I don't want any publicity myself as well.
xoxo, Johanna
http://www.dollsdancers.fi

MICKEY: 
I'm fucking serious, so you did NOT write a blog or somethin bout ME like 2-3 days ago?! I'm on my way to Cali and I dont wanna see TMZ ppl askin bout this when I land @ LAX...
My manager told me bout some mofo Mark Bahamonde who flooded his inbox wit some crazy stuff... What's up wit that and who is he?! I do NOT like drama! U look very seductive in that pic, I hope U open ur mouth to more than just ice cream... I have man meat to put in there... Love the hair, wanna see U naked too... so u wanna make me forget that I'm MAD?
Mickey

TUKSU: 
Baby, if u REALLY are Mickey who I met in Mokai 2008 in Miami, I'mfucking serious also, that I really don't want any publicity, that's one reason why I came to Thailand for one month to rest and to be private inmy own villa on KOh Samed paradise islands!!!
James Bahamonde is full of shit, sorry to say this. I used to work for him many years ago, he speaks so much and doesn't mean anything.I didn't write any blog, it would be my dream come true to meet you again and I really don't want to risk anything!!! I think u r one of the hottest actors in the whole world. And I have always loved to make dreams come true....I love to spoil people and to be spoiled.
Trust me, u wouldn't regret if we would meet just for fun, we could bothremember it even when we would be really old in foster homes...hahahha...I fly from Bangkok to Stockholm tomorrow, then I could fly to Californiato meet u whenever u would like, I just love that place.As I told u before, I can book shows for me whenever I want myself, so Ican also travel whenever I would like to. I would make up to u that udon't feel mad or anything like that, the opposite way.As i told u, I love to spoil and to be spoiled by men and I just love sex!!!
U have my swedish phone number, my thai number isn't going to work anymore after tomorrow. But the Sweden number works all the time, u can text me orsomething.
Kisses, Johanna
http://www.dollsdancers.fi

MICKEY: 
You're lying bitch!
http://johannatukiainen.seiska.fi/2012/01/19/oscarehdokas-mickey-rourke-soitti-minulle-ja-haluaa-vieda-illalliselle-miamissa/
I dunno what the hell it says but I can see name there... and this wuz written couple of days ago! Not in 2008!
Your ex-man Lahna or whatever the hell is his name sent that link to my manager!! Tell him and all the othr mothafuckas to stop harassing me or anybody associated wit me!
I know who the fuck I am and I thought U were cool. I seen plenty of double talkin bitches in my day, so deuces.
See ya.
M.

TUKSU: 
That person "Lahna" or who ever, is NOT my ex-husband.My ex-husband name is Arto Lansman and we were married for about a year.This person "Laupea Lahna" is some psycho who is harashing me and trying to ruin my life and trying to get into everything I do.
I told u that there was an article in magazine on 2008, it's not a lie. But now there hasn't been any articles in any magazines anywhere, as I told u, if I promise to keep something private and confidential, I will do it.
I wouldn't give u my phone numbers, if I wouldn't be serious.There r stalkers around me, but mostly just in Finland, not in Sweden orany other countries. That "Laupea Lahna" uses fake names and fake profiles, and he post wrong kind of photoshoped pics of me and he istrying to put me down, because he is mentally really sick. I thought that u would understand because u have been in publicity for so long. There r always people who r talking shit behind and telling lies, please don't read those messages and don't answer to those people. There are NO anyarticles or anything other about you in any media in Finland or inSweden!!! And if I would ever meet u, I wouldn't tell to anybody.
I'm in Stockholm, Sweden now, my phone number is the same that I gave u:+XX XXX XXX XXX
I'm divorced and my ex-husband isn't harashing me, so these people whocontact u are these really jealous people from Finland, who r trying toharm me and my life. I really hope that u would listen to me.Please send me text message or call me,
Johanna
http://www.dollsdancers.fi

TUKSU: 
Please, don't read or listen to those bastards, who r trying to give u anybullshit, they are stalkers and trying to put my life down.I'm serious, there hasn't been any articles about you in any magazine(exept that small article 2008 in Finland which was about 4 years ago) and one reason why I travelled to Thailand for a month was to get away fromthe media, so I don't want any attention as well, Johanna

TUKSU: 
I hope that u really believe in me, those "James Bahamonde", "LaupeaLahna" etc. are just trying to harash me and stalking me, and trying to ruin everything I do. There r also a lot of really jealous people inFinland who don't want any other people to be successful, or to experience anything nice, that's why I stay pretty much in Stockholm (sweden) wheremy parents live.
Trust me, I was in a relationship with one really succesfull CEO jewishguy in Miami for couple of years, and he understood how crazy some peoplecan be, he ignored them.
These pics r quite big size, I'm with a frog in Koh Samed islands inThailand where i had great vacation with Julia. Hope u like them, sorryabout those assholes who contacted u. With love,
Johanna

TUKSU: 
(email otsikolla One more pic, I love nice style like Jimmy Choo, Vuitton etc :) )


TUKSU: 
I'm just watching one of your movies "XXX XX XXXX" where your role isattorney.It's really good, I love it.
I have reported this "laupea lahna" for Finland's police, he is somereally crazy guy who has been stalking me for years already and is trying to ruin everything I do.
I really hope that u would believe me, I'm not intrested in publicity, I'm really intested in meeting just you privately.
Johanna

MICKEY: 
Stop fucking emailing me you ho! U lied about the blog and still dont admit it! Dumb slut.

Tuksu-klassikko: THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR A PIG

Eräänä viinanhuuruisena iltana Tuksu sai (omien sanojensa mukaan) selville että hänen ex-äijänsä Mika, eli tuttavallisemmin Sika-Mika, oli käynyt kyntämässä Julia-siskon puutarhaa joskus vuosia sitten. Kyseisen asian johdosta Tuksu veti päänsä täyteen vauhtilimsaa ja ties mitä, ja kirjoitti seuraavan vuodatuksen Dolls Dancers Diaryyn, eli Tollukkapieruun:

Nimi: Johanna Tukiainen
08.09.09 4:35 am

THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR A PIG IN FINLAND CALLED MIKA KEHÄ, WHOM I WAS ENGAGED TO FOR ABOUT 3-YEARS AND WE HAVE LIVED TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS IN THE CENTRUM OF HELSINKI

Mika always told me that he is a sociopath. I thought that it´s a joke, but he really had problems with different social events and got strange aggressive moodswings for many times. That wasn´t the case, I thought it´s ok anyways, because we all have our own bad sides ofcourse. But there was much more horrible things behind everything I didn´t even know about. I want to cut the speculations of some things involving my life, so I want to tell the truth! I´m sick and tired of the whole thing, that women are always the ones who to blaim and men are like heroes.

Mika was mentally sick, I think already long before I even noticed it. What it comes to my "Isabella" dancing advertisement on internet, Mika did the whole thing for me. He thought that´s good idea to sell private shows! During the first years he was ofcourse always really loving and gentle, the best cook I´ve ever met in my whole life, calm and safe in a way. We had though bad arguments, when he just flipped out and started to hit me and to spit on me etc. I forgave everything, because I really loved him. He was acting in a way for many times, that he was mentally dead. Like the thing, that he has never cried, is really weird.

We did trips together, like in Thailand for many times and to Lappland to ski, which was a lot of fun. I did a lot of trips around the world together with my sister Julia, but Mika came there for many times also to be with me. He was really sweet and I think people around us who don´t know anything, thought that he was just a sweet teddybear. I thought so also, even that Mika said for some times that I am really naiive. Well....what happened is that we travelled to Miami with Julia on 2004 on the first time and we just fall in love with the whole place. Me met on a caribbean cruise one jewish man who had really good sense of humour. He got really attracted to Julia and started to ask us for nice dinners. Danny had a best friend, also jewish Udi who lives in Miami.

They took us for evening dinners to great places in Miami, like to Forge, China Grill, Prime One Twelve etc. Just dinners, nothing else. There are pictures of this trip in our photogallery "MIAMI 2004". One of my ex-dancers, Inga from Latvia came also with us for some time. The thing is that NOTHING really happened with Udi. He gave his business card and told me to call him whenever, that he would love to help me in my life any ways he can.
I lost his card, because I was with Mika in Finland.

In the spring 2005 we travelled to Miami with 6 beautiful dancers from the Dolls and stayed over there for 5-weeks. We performed in Mansion night club and were finalists for Miss Miami Beach Competition and lived very exciting life. Then on the first week of our trip when we went with our manager James to the famous club called The Bed, we heard familiar voices! On the bar disk there were Danny and Udi and they remembered us. So they bought the whole bed for us where we were having great evening the whole night with the girls also.

Well, I need to write a book of my whole life and I´m definitely going to do it. So I can´t write all the details now. Anyways from that evening in the Bed night Club we really felt strong connection with Udi, just unbelievable chemistry, which I think that many people don´t find ever during their whole lifetime. Even his touch on my hand felt, that I could melt right away. It was amazing. After couple of days Udi called me and asked me to come for a dinner with him. We fall in love with eachother, I just couldn´t help it at all.

It was like the whole world around us disappeared, I didn´t see anything else anymore. I thought that it might be just a short holiday romance, so I tried to take things slowly. But it was unpossible, already on the next week we were flying to Rio De Janeiro with him listening my favourite song Selena´s "Dreaming of you" in the airplane. The fairytale started from there.
I went into a big pink bubble like the girl (Jennifer Connelly) goes in the movie "Labyrinth" the whole around me changed. We were making love everywhere and all the time. The passion was so strong that it felt like taking my breath away. Ofcourse this wasn´t right thing to do! I wasn´t married and didn´t have children, but I still was in a relationship with Mika in Finland and I loved him, but on the different way. But my conscious was really bad.

When I came home to Finland, I just watched the movie with Demi Moore and Robert Redford "Only one night" and just cried. I didn´t know what to do with my life.
To make it short, Mika got to know about Udi, when he checked my videocamera where we were with Udi in Rio. But now the whole thing starts, that really amazed me, I couldn´t ever believed that!! Mika told me, that he had been using prostitutes for years all around the world! Always when I was away on some trip etc. he was using them in Estonia, India, Caribbean Islands (where I went with Julia. When we travelled to Aruba, meanwhile Mika went to a bordell in St.Martins!!!) The point is, he had been using them for years!!!! Long before I even met Udi! So I think he has an addiction with internet sex, really. There are so many men, who are addicted to prostitutes. He was using them already when Mika was married to his ex-wife Kirsi.
I don´t wonder anymore, why Kirsi wanted to have divorce.....

I´m sad that people´s exes don´t warn eachother, so people don´t start to use years of their lifes in vain. I think exes should talk with eachother, then you can get better point of view how somebody is. Like Julia´s crazy ex-boyfriend Jarkko, his ex-girlfriend (not Julia) went to a mental hospital for few weeks after him, he had been using so bad mental violence.
Udi wasn´t an angel really, he was everything else in a longterm. Even that he has a lot of charisma and sex appeal. He had been married before me for 23 years, had 3-children and I always told him, that if he doesn´t love me on the way that I am or can´t get over with his ex-wife, which he really didn´t, so I told him to go back to his ex-wife. I told it all the time, that he should do it when his mental abuse started with me. When we split up with Udi in May-2006, he had some blond girfriend for a while whose name is Christin. It was really redicilous, when I went to get my belongings from Continuum and there were cards from Christin that she had been writing for Udi. The lines were excatly the same, than with me! Like "My Baby, I miss you so much. You are always going to be my baby....etc. blaa blaa...."

Christin called me on the last year and asked about Udi. Well I told her, that he had never been over with his ex-wife and probably won´t. I really feel sorry for her as I heard that she´s 37 or 38 and had already one psycho millionaire boyfriend in Miami, who never told that he was married!

Now I´m going of the track....What it comes to Mika. Everything would have been cool, if he could have forgiven me. I know, the whole thing was such a mess, that many of the people show the door right away. I thought, that it´s sick and really weird to use prostitutes like a hobby. I can understand, if someone makes a mistake once, but when it happens for years as a secret, that makes me so sick that I could really throw up!

Mika started to give ultimatumes for me. He would want to sleep both with my sister Julia and my sister Jasmina, and then he could think, if maybe he could continue with our relationship! Isn´t that sick, or what????

By the way, right away when I heard about his prostitutes, I went to all the tests and have done it also now for many times, and I´m totally clear, luckily!!

If Mika has a girfriend now, which I doubt (probably just girls he has bought from the net) I really hope that she reads this. A man who has that kind of addiction, usually doesn´t end it. He has also weird social phobias, mostly doesn´t want to go anywhere, just stay at home and watch TV like a vegetable.

There are so many vicious people on net who want to write bullshit about things, that they don´t know nothing about. Mika has been living double life or maybe trible life for a while already. What it comes to the payments of my trips, I have paid them by myself. We still have been living together since the past year and we have had sex life together with him. So if he has had a girlfriend, he has been betraying her as well.

Aabout a year ago Mika wanted to travel to the Canarian Islands, but with somebody else than me. Even that I had canceled London trip for New Years with Julia and Shawn, and one trip with my friends to Agia Napa. It was ok for me, that Julia went with Mika to Lanzarote for a week vacation, because they used to come well along with eachother. Julia was so furious when she came back, because Mika had told her that he will do everything he just can, that I will come crazy and end up to the mental hospital for my life!

Well....years passed by....and still Mika was talking about Udi and Miami every evening! Nothing else, always the same subject! He just couldn´t get over with him. There have been many years, that I´ve felt so sorry for Mika and tried to make up with everything. I fought for the whole relationship for 2-years and everything started to look much better. We were having dinners every evening together like always, watched movies, made love etc. like ordinary couples do. We went to Paris for a romantic weekend on the Valentine´s Day 14.2.2008, so not that long ago infact. We went to see Lido show, which is great. I paid the trip for Mika as a Valentine´s Day present.

But after the trip I noticed from his cell, that he was still betraying me.

I had known one gossip magazine journalist Juha-Tapio Tuomela for Hymy for years. We were texting once in a while what´s happening in life. I can´t believe that he could do the whole thing to me, what happened next.

Tuomela knew about my problems with Mika and that I tried to save my relationship with him. No matter what, he published the whole textmessage scandal in Hymy, and even that he claims that he hadn´t any idea that Kanerva would get fired from his job! I think that´s a big lie. Mika though knew all the time about our textmessages with Kanerva (the ex minister of foreign affairs) and he was just laughing for them. He know that I didn´t have any affair with Kanerva ever. He was known for it that he was texting for pretty women in Finland. After the 2-years work that I had tried to save our relationship with Mika, everything just collapsed.
The media enjoyed of all the nasty comments they could ever make and put both me and the minister down. Finland, in many ways, is still really close to Russia I think. Nobody should be too successful or different than others.

So....whenever there came some propaganda from TV about the scandal, Mika just started to throw up. I really do feel sorry for him, but I was in a big mess myself and he didn´t try to do anything about it. He just abandoned me and disappeared from the house. My countant, which I´ve known for years, arranged an attorney for me who really took the case seriously.
The whole crazy year 2008 ended when I flew away from the evil media to get some breath in Gambia, Africa. I bought the whole trip really fast, had only one day to pack. The person in a travelling agency told me, that it´s good to take medicine for malaria before I go there, that´s kind of flue. I had a Dolls show on the same night in a city called Lahti and early morning flight. I would have wanted to travel with Mika, but he didn´t want to come with me.

A week after the vacation my fever went up to 41´c. I started to shake all over, my feet didn´t work anymore and I felt like drinking water all the time. I felt like really hot or cold all the time. I went to spend my sister Julia´s birthday to Cantina West in Helsinki, when I felt that I can´t bare it anymore. One famous ex-wrestler called Toni Halme drove me to my home in the city. Mika said to me that´s best thing to go to the doctor, it might be something serious. Then he disappeared to Tallinn, Estonia, where I think he went to buy prostitutes again.
I took a taxi to Marian hospital in Helsinki, where I told that I have a bad flue. Luckily the doctors where really professional and knew right away, that it was something serious. They took blood tests from me, and took me right away to Meilahti to the really serious sections where people are dying. Before they put me the machine, they said that I´m really close dying now and I make one short phonecall. I called to my mother, who flew right away from Stockholm to meet me. I was so thursty that I felt that I would die if I don´t get even a little bit of water. But the nurses didn´t give it to me, because they said that I could die even to a little bit of water. So I was in machine for 4-days, my lungs, liver etc. everything stopped to work. The doctors told that I had 20% change to survive.

And I survived. Thanks for God, my parents and grandmother who were praying for me every day, the priests from Finland and Sweden and many unknown finnish people. And ofcourse the unbelievable doctors! Anyways, Mika didn´t come to see me to the hospital even once. Julia was texting her like crazy, that I´m dying and Mika should see me even once. He just sent a message, that he´s abroad! What an asshole, sorry to say this!
I was in hospital almost for 2 months and he didn´t come to see me even once! He didn´t even call me! Now, this is what I think is sick.

I think even exes should come to the hospital, if somebody would be dying! After I got out in December-2008 he was acting like nothing would have ever happened. Just told me, how he would like to keep me like his "fuckbuddy".

Now when I´m even thinking of it, it´s just crazy! I don´t know what gift of the world this guy thinks of himself. He´s 12 older than me, doesn´t have any kids, I wonder if he wants to have them, he´s in a hurry.

However, it was much easier to be with Mika than with Udi!
Mika is calm and relaxed and I think that we were a nice couple with him.
What it comes to Udi....oh my god. I don´t want to talk about it now. There are many men in high positions who use mental abuse and Udi was one of them.

Johanna


Hieman selvittyään (ja saatuaan "jonkin verran" rakentavaa palautetta) Tuksu poisti kyseisen kirjoituksen, mutta netissähän kaikki säilyy historian hamaan loppuun asti. Täytyy vielä myös mainita se, että vaikka Tuksu ylempänä väittääkin että Udin kanssa ei tapahtunut mitään ensitapaamisella, mutta totuus on toinen: Iltalehden Sofian Sohva-palstalle salanimellä kirjoittamassaan kirjeessä Tuksu myöntää että pillua tuli annettua Udille heti ensitapaamisella.